Searching

black and white blank challenge connect
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I’m searching for something but what, I don’t know.

In crevices dark and pits deep and low.

Answers and guidance I seek from without,

Knowing, somewhere, beyond all the doubt

They lie WITHIN, but I can’t get there

And all I can do is sit in despair.

But part of me whispers, Hang on, little soul!

You’ll persevere, you’ve done it before!

So I wade through the muck and smile when I can

Waiting for the fog to lift one more time, again.

 

My life’s such an open book some of the pages are falling out

For those of you who know my recent situation, you know you might get more than you bargained for when you ask how I’m doing. I’m working on boundaries and keeping what SHOULD be private, private.  Ask me about myself at your peril and hell, I’ll probably tell you WAY more than you care to know. (TMI, anyone?)

Actually, I’m probably not THAT bad, but I do want to be honest with people so they really understand the inner workings of ME, and why I act the way I do.

Just wanted to post a cheery note that I AM on the road to recovery so if you DO ask how I am, watch out—I may just tell you ALL about it!

pile of books
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Within the Chrysalis

monarch-butterfly-chrysalis

Does the caterpillar know the intense mutations it must inevitably face before it becomes a butterfly? Does it even know that its destiny is to evolve into a delicate, winged creature awed and appreciated for its beauty?

I feel as though lately I myself am going through a (sometimes difficult) transformational state, and that got me thinking of the little caterpillar. Doing its thing, inching along, munching leaves when one day it chooses a spot from which to dangle, and then the transformation begins.

While inside the chrysalis, is it conscious while its wormlike body dissolves, or does it hibernate in some peaceful slumber, unaware of the changes its body is undergoing? Is it a painful process? Lonely? Or does the little worm somehow anticipate its beautiful transformation?

Unlike the caterpillar, whose transformation happens but once, mine seems to be almost a yearly thing. I always come out of it better than when I entered it, but it can be an extremely un-fun ride to endure.

This is the first scrap of writing I’ve done in a long while. I do count my blog entries as part of my creative writing outlet.

So to those who read this and may be wondering how I’m doing, I’m in a little rough patch right now, churning and changing in my chrysalis, but when I emerge, I’ll be fine!

 

Happy May!

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Well, April had its ups and downs! Birthdays, road trips, a brief visit with family and another emotional dip from which I am, as always, rising above day by day. I go through these dark periods with some periodicity. They pass and I feel better after each painful bout. I like to consider them spiritual ‘growing pains’ brought on as icky stuff rises to the surface and has to be released.

And then just like that, I’m back to my sunny happy self!

When I do get this way, my first instinct is always to look outside myself for comfort and answers. I’ll scour my list of contacts, carefully selecting 2 or 3 in a day to talk to. I don’t necessarily need to cry and complain and whine. I just need the interaction with someone else; let them talk about what is going in THEIR lives; takes my mind off MY issues, and maybe I can make THEM feel better. 🙂

Walking and meditation (and, for that matter, walking meditation) really help too.  And I would really rather go through this without any chemical crutches (read; antidepressants). To be honest, I have no faith in Big Pharma and I wouldn’t doubt that there ARE cures for horrible diseases out there, but to make them available would be killing the cash cow, and why do that when people can live 30-40 years with a chronic condition (heart disease, diabetes, MS, etc), thanks so a myriad of pharmaceuticals?

Oh, and by the way, in addition to walking and meditation (and walking meditation!), journaling is  big help! That’s what got me through my teens and twenties. I guess blogging can be considered a 21st century incarnation of journaling, right?

\So let’s be happy and enjoy this cross-quarter day (Happy Beltane!) between Spring Equinox and Summer Solstice. Sunny, bright days are ahead!